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Posts Tagged ‘Separation’

Well, DU, what to say after almost four months since we met up in Frankfurt? I bet we both could say a lot — but where to start, where to go, and where to end? Yikes! OK, Punita, just jump in.

I’ll start here where I am now. Recuperating and recharging in the gentle small Dutch city of Boxmeer just a few minutes drive from the German border. OK, almost everything’s smaller in Holland —but recuperating from what? Well, soon after I got over considerable jet lag (yes it gets bigger with age), I plunged into three non-stop months of culture shock, culture clash, and just plain putting-my-foot-in-my-mouth more times than you could count. Plus the most serious bladder infection EVER. Finding myself in the boonies of (prior) East German (DDR) territory and suddenly being dependent for every-little-thing transport. Plus living and eating again in commune after years of being mostly on my own… Not to mention finally, actually being together with you, PremNiri, after a year diving into the heights and depths of what-all is possible long-distance communicating.

Boxmeer/Kleve 2011

In a few days I return to DU, to my new space at Oshostadt, and to Chapter Zwei of my new life 2011-12. And that’s where the ‘recharging’ comes in. I do feel ready for whatever comes ‘next.’ I hope you do, too. Somehow, the first three difficult and extremely stressful months were necessary, even essential. For me, for Du, for everyone.This ain’t some excuse for my expectations or lack of savoir faire — just a feeling that somehow all the stress and craziness were perfectly OK. But NOT to be repeated, or stuck in with any pockets of resentment or pain.

So, Jan is calling me for a last quick shop in mild-mannered Boxmeer.

…A few hours later, I have plenty of Dutch sweeties for the commune’s 16:00 sweet tooth and something for Siddhartha as well. For DU I have already a bag of belated birthday kisses, mostly your deep blue colour.

But before I sign off from the Netherlands, this courtesy of my host’s daughter who just celebrated her MA  thesis on the novelist George Eliot:

“Thee’st done it now,” said Mr. Poysner, a little alarmed and uneasy, but not without some triumphant amusement at his wife’s outbreak.

“Yes, I know I’ve done it, ” said Mrs. Poysner; “but I’ve had my say out, and I shall be th’ easier for’t all my life. There’s no pleasure i’ living, if you’re going to be corked up forever, and only dribble your mind out by the sly, like a leaky barrel. I shan’t repent saying what I think…” (Adam Bede)

Well, I won’t repent — or repeat — these first three months either, DU.  And I look forward to being with you again. ~LP

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Breakthrough

Enough is Enough!

I WANNA BE WITH U — ENUF FONE FOR US

OK! That l o n g phone conversation today — definitely the HARDEST! Do you agree? Or did I imagine it? Were you able to get some sleep? Eventually? Tell me!

After sitting on my cell in the car in the rain, I came back to the house  (stripped of all the little clutter that made it somewhat cozy, packing boxes everywhere in between) still on fire somewhere intense. I remembered my Silly Songs that got me through March/April. So I am singing/shouting them once more, this time on top of the volcano that says: ENUF FONE! This long-distance phase is over! Whaddya think, DU?

250 px - Grumpy_music

Punita's Silly Song

March 21 Doesn’t feel good — to be so far away from you

No way, No how, Anyhow, No Good!

Doesn’t feel correct — to see the moon so far from you

No sir, No how, Anyhow, NO GOOD!

Doesn’t feel right — to sleep so far away from you

No you, no here, by me, NO GOOD!

Macht kein spass — to be so weit weg  von Dir

Nicht gut, no how, No Sir, NICHT GUT!

Klingt nicht schoen — ich schlaf so weit(e) weg von Dir

Kein Du, bist hier, bei mir, NICHT GUT!

My Desktop in Spring

April 8

Doesn’t seem appropriate to feel the fone between us now

Was Fun. You bet! No more. No how!

Gibt’s keine ruhe to hold the fone between us jetzt

War toll. Aber bitte! Mein Gott, es reicht!!

PS When all else fails — post!  ~lp

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Nine Months since I called you feeling that I was  ‘going way out on a limb’ saying that I thought we should see each other before I left for the states. After just meeting you for the first time some few days before. Unexpected.

Nine Months since you took the train from Remptendorf to Berlin and spent the weekend with me in tree-lined  Steglitz apartment. Me packing, tying up some loose ends with Mahadevi, more packing. No plan what was happening. After all, we had only sat next to each other on the bench at Oshostadt, held hands and talked some. One kiss only.

Nine Months since you left back to your office near the forest, and I early the next morning back to Seattle after two months in Berlin. That Monday was the Mayan Calendar New Year.  That Sunday the first day we made some loving — my favorite ‘Day out of Time’. Definitely unrehearsed.

Nine Months since I hesitated just before telling you that I ‘felt pregnant’ after being with you that unexpected weekend in Berlin. I had waited a few days to say anything. But I knew the feeling. And you told me how it was for you riding back on the train. That you ‘felt pregnant’ …

And somewhere I remember saying very crisply clearly: I am a total yes to you. Whatever that meant. I had not rehearsed that line. It just spoke itself. I think I was cleaning the bathroom before I left the apartment ready for returning friends. I had asked you to help, and you did. I noticed how you helped. Everything felt easy.

And you commented that you weren’t allergic to me! And you brought all these great photos and stories of old girlfriends. We shared stories of old lovers. And our astrological charts — you brought them too! And your heart. And your depths. And your sex. And I think I talked quite a bit. We talked quite a bit. Taking it slow but intense.

We didn’t know anything. I felt a lot. We talked a lot on the phone. You came here, to Seattle, over New Year’s. And slowly, steadily, surely over the past nine months … oh, that’s for my next post …

After I pack and clean and pack some more and get this weekend’s Moving Sale behind me. But I had to take a moment today while the painters finish upstairs, and the real estate agent tries to convince me to invest $2000 in new carpeting. It’s all getting quite complete. It is complete.

And we have a date in Frankfurt on the 10th of June. How about that!?! Let’s see how this ‘baby’ turns out! After all there was no guarantee we would make it this far. Nine Months!  Yahoop! ~LP

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O my Heart, where have you been?

Here, here, always here.

O my Heart, where have I been?

There, there, always there.

O my Heart, here I am — there you are!

Beloved ~ It’s been almost a month since we connected here. We both felt the absence yesterday. But, with such a full month, where do I start without you next to me — without the easy magic that just happens with you to share the words? So limping along on one leg, I try to say a few things.  Of course, it could be a whole chapter: The End of Endings and the Beginning of New Beginnings.

February 2011. In the background playing (for me) the steady decline into dying of my 94-year old mother.. And my being alone with her at home as it happened in my early childhood. And seeing more clearly than ever, that along with her dying and letting go of everything familiar, there was something very old to let die in me.

So finally off to Southern California for a long-awaited farewell with my son’s father, whatever his timing is to stick around in his altered body. It was all sweet and easy. And complete. And very special to see my son — to share his everyday life at Orange County speed, his working environment, and surprise celebration of his moving on to his own digs. So mom (me) could immediately start a list to send him from the ‘shell’ I do not take with me over the ocean to be near you soon. Makes a happy mom thinking of sending her son the basics for his first solo home. I lost a home, I leave a home, I find Home. He lost a home, now he leaves and finds a home. Shakey stuff, but what a deal!

And back to Seattle into the ‘thick of it’: my sister had stepped in for me taking care of our mom at home. So I returned to the scramble of figuring out what was right — for mom, for me, for the entire situation. And my sister encouraging me to let go. I am very thankful for her words.

Und Du, with all your much earlier and much deeper experience with groups and therapies (especially around Osho), I heard you encouraging me to do a weekend Systemic Family Constellations. And so there it was! It all happened last weekend in Seattle with Brigitte Sztab (American but German born): deeper into completions, deeper into release in tears and weeping, and so much juicy celebration and letting go of old familial hooks. And not alone, as has been my most recent pain. You listened, you understood, so you know. Du.

Ya, it took me this past week to return all the way from my family ‘Herculean tasks’ of the previous weeks, including the business and financial issues that crested just as the Constellations weekend began. Of course. On course. Alles connected. I just put my suitcases from the trip away yesterday. For me that’s something of a record.

But I cannot leave out your affair with T. After such a long flirtation! So we both have been quite busy since your last post in early February.  ~Bis Bald Beloved

"Quantum Leap"

T is for Tractor

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From: Punita
To: premniri
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2011 1:23 PM
Subject: Re: thinking of you and being with love
BEloved ~
i am glad deep in my heart that this reached you. Just now 3 AM waking up to some understanding, some remembering and some softer tears healing, healing, healing.
Some understanding of the shock of the separation after the forgetting while we were together here that we were two.
and again it’s a little different YOUR leaving (than my leaving) the space where there was just flow and glow ………..
may be the space itself was ‘in shock’ — yes I think so. and that’s why it’s healthy that I am also away for a little time from here.
It is such a visceral thing, right down to stuff inside the cells.
Like a doc i saw just before you came. An African wild cat mother (lion? tiger? i forget) who hunts the snake that swallowed her single new born whole while she was out hunting for food to feed it, rips the snake apart to retrieve her baby still whole but dead, and for three days carries it around ‘grieving’. And they caught it all on tape.
Like that perhaps.
So now I go back to bed after waking up into this and feeling you there and not there, here and not here. and  ~one step at a time with you with me
~LP (loving punita) back to bed

From: premniri
To: Punita
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:27 PM
Subject: Re: thinking of you and being with love

Oh babes,
you are so beautiful. But our togetherness-in-love-“baby” has not been swollowed, it is alive – may be sometimes going it’s own ways, so we have to get into track with it or search for it … . But baby is fresh, alive, growing into verticalness and unpredictable too.
I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
bis spaeter – KYAO (kiss you all over) LN (loving niri)

and …
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2011 5:48 PM
Subject: ON AND ON AND DEEPER AND DEEPER ….
AND IT GOES ON AND ON AND DEEPER AND DEEPER ….
after returning to Germany last week I was filled with your love, with all love, all with love.
Having jetlag and back to working prozess I lost a little bit the inner connection through our hearts, the connection through love – somehow . We both recognized it was different then before Seattle.
Now longing=Sehnsucht is back in me as never before – I’m too small for it! How can I contain this? I have to grow into love – please help me, through being aware of all the little delicate moments we share … So precious so big so deep with you with you with you!
Beloved Punita, thank you, thank you existence for these unexpressible gifts …
Premniri

From: Punita
To: premniri
Sent: Wednesday, January 26, 2011 2:21 AM
Subject: celebrating with you

Feel so like celebrating with you.
what do I feel like celebrating?
well, for one, being today present to feeling so intimately aligned with you through and through.
Something in our ‘breakdown’ valley of last week, the conversation yesterday and today’s smoothie-ness and sharing and close closeness over phone.
Celebrating some steady shift forward vertically.
Celebrating just enjoying this moment of falling together, coming togethering…blog and all and all and all.
I go to my dinner snack, and this and that and relaxing …. and some better good sleep tonight and an early morning tomorrow.
All my caretaking done for today.
luv u ~LP

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